


The Emotional Downfall of Sebastien Le Livre

by RandoFando_Spoonie



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker's thoughts over the centuries, Canon Compliant, Emotional Whump, Ends the same place the movie does, Gen, I made myself sad, Not really happy or sad, ambiguous ending, just an ending, movie canon, oof this one hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26159728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandoFando_Spoonie/pseuds/RandoFando_Spoonie
Summary: Booker dreams of a woman locked in an iron casket every night, every night he feels her die over and over. He sees the pain of her loss in his friends eyes and so keeps his own pain to himself to spare them more, but his pain twists him into something he doesn't recognize and leads him to nearly destroy the one good thing his Immortality has granted him.
Relationships: Andy/Quynh, Booker | Sebastian le Livre & Everyone, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 8
Kudos: 56





	The Emotional Downfall of Sebastien Le Livre

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was watching the movie for the umpteenth time yesterday and it hit me, don't know why it's taken this long, that the dreams don't stop till the Immortals meet each other... Booker's never met Quynh... he dreams of her every night. And then it hit him, he -felt- Nile die, what's do say he doesn't feel Quynh die -every time-. And I gave myself Booker feels.
> 
> This is NOT a Booker apologist story, Booker is still a scumbag for what he did. There were so many better ways he could have acted, things he could have said and done, especially after Nicky's comments about being afraid of capture when explain about Quynh to Nile. This is just my take on maybe, just maybe what led Booker down the path he took.

The first time it happens he wakes up screaming, looking around frantically, clutching at his chest until he realizes he's on dry land, he's alive, he's... well not okay but not dead at any rate. He pants harshly, heart beating out of his chest it feels like.

Nicky's on watch, but Joe and Andy wake up too and all three look over.

“Booker?” Nicky asks softly, “Are you alright?”

He pants, focuses on the fire and shakes his head, “I don't know.”

“What happened?” Joe speaks softly, sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

“Dream, like when I was dreaming of the three of you.” He answered, sitting up himself and reaching for his flask, “But different. Horrible.”

“Different how?” Nicky prompts and Booker wonders if he's expecting some kind of answer, or dreading it.

“A woman, Asian woman, in an Iron Maiden under water.” He pants a bit, his chest tightening again. “I could feel her... her drowning and coming back over and over but every time... every time it was like _I_ was drowning with her.”

There's a pall that falls over the camp, Andy gets up and walks away, her body stiff as if walking is painful but she just keeps going until she's out of sight. If there's a ragged, pained scream a few minutes later the three men at the fire don't ever mention it.

That is the night Booker learns about Quynh, about her and Andy, about her 'punishment' during the Witch Trials, about it all. He wants to drain his flask but he knows it'll be a while until they can refill so he simply stares at the fire, tears on his cheeks and thanks Joe and Nicky for explaining. He knows the dreams won't stop not unless Qunyh dies and stays dead, or some how escapes. He prays, for the first time in a long time, for mercy. But not for himself, for Quynh, to escape that awful eternal torture.

He doesn't bring the dreams up again. He learns to wake silently, to control his breathing, his heart rate so he doesn't alert the others. Every so often Nicky will ask if he still dreams of Quynh, the pain in the other man's keeps him from telling the truth for too long. He starts to avoid the question, says he doesn't remember his dreams anymore.

Night after night, month after month, year after year, his bitterness grows, his pain too. He loses everything, Andy has lost so much, but Joe and Nicky keep what matters most to them no matter what. He starts to resent them, starts to ache for a way out, an end to it all.

Maybe that's why when they're on the 'break' Andy said she needed and Copley reaches out he finally snaps. He listens, he agrees, maybe he can finally, finally escape his grief, this clawing insanity that isn't his own yet is at the same time.

When Nile dies the first time he curses, not just because it throws a wrench in his and Copley's plans, no, because if they find her, she is going to dream of Quynh, the others are going to know that he knows she's still alive, still drowning over and over in the depths of the sea in a place Booker can't name, can't find, can't speak of past the taste of salt water in his mouth.

When Nile starts awake that first night, he lays there, says nothing. He feels Andy's eyes on him for a moment or two but he can't meet her gaze. When Nile flees and Andy goes after her he slowly gets up, he sits and turns the game on. Joe joins him, Nicky goes to read. He knows Joe wants to ask him about Quynh, about why in over 200 years he's never mentioned it again, never mentioned her.

But how could he? How could he cause them that much pain, knowing Quynh is still out there and they have no idea where, or how to get to her? When Copley's men arrive it's almost a relief. The grenade is a blinding pain for barely a second and then release, relief, if only for a few minutes. Andy's slap helps bring him around and he very much wishes it hadn't.

He does what he can to help Nile, sweet young Nile and when she doesn't come with them into Copley's house it's almost a relief. One less person to betray, one less person to hurt. She's new, she doesn't deserve to suffer for his pain, his anger, his need to die.

His heart shatters, as much as it can anymore, when he realizes how monumentally he's fucked up. When Andy doesn't stop bleeding, when she doesn't heal. He apologizes, tries to explain. He thought they were the same, at least a little. And so this venom spews at Joe and Nicky in the lab, but it burns him more than them, because of course it does.

When Nile comes for them he tells her to leave him behind, but she and Andy won't let him off that easily, why should they? They make it out of Merrick's labs and their safe house. It's a tense night, he sleeps on the couch, as he should. He wakes often, as he does every night, the taste of sea water in his mouth.

The pub is nice, he gets a drink and waits outside. Nile joins him for a moment or two and then he wanders down the steps to the beach, still drinking until Andy joins him. He hugs her, holds her close, realizing this is likely the last time he'll ever see her. The last time he'll ever hold her and isn't that a kick in the balls because he's held her far less often than he wanted to. He's always been the least physically affectionate of the group, Nicky and Joe are so open with their love, with their feelings, not just of each other but everyone. But Booker's pain, the memories of holding his wife and children and knowing the deep, dark secret that is no longer a secret, that he's held in his chest for so long kept him back. If they let them in, let him close they'd see what a mess he was and he wasn't sure he could handle that.

Now though, watching them walk away he wishes maybe he'd taken the risk. Maybe things would be different. Joe pauses, looks back and Booker gives him a nod that says 'I'll be okay'. Joe turns and follows Nile, Nicky, and Andy up the stairs. He stays on the beach until he's sure they're gone.

He goes home, not that he has a home to go to anymore. But he goes to France, because where else would he go? He drinks, almost constantly, his liver may recover, he may not die of cirrhosis but he doesn't have to live sober. Not now, not when he has no escape, no more family, no more anything that matters.

He realizes what a fool he's been but it's not like there's much he can do about that now. One hundred years. Over thirty-six thousand days... half of the time he's been Immortal already, he wonders if the dreams of Quynh will end in those thirty-six thousand days.

He falls into bed every night praying the same prayer he has every night. _Please let tonight be the first dreamless night. Please God grant me some mercy even though I know I'm not worthy._

And every night for six months his prayer goes unanswered, he still dreams of Quynh, but most nights he's too drunk to notice the dreams have changed so when Quynh shows up at his apartment he is suitably shocked, he wonders if he should reach out to Copley, maybe he can find the team for them, let Andy and Qunyh reunite, give Nile some peace of mind. For the moment he's too drunk and too surprised do anything other than point his gun at Quynh and wonder if he's hallucinating.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to follow me on Tumblr: RandoFando-Spoonie
> 
> As always, kudos aren't necessary but appreciated.


End file.
